September 6, 2000

I am feeling more confident in my writing. As this was writen in my journal originally, the script was clean and not cursive. My journey to Mississippi was more one of growth than of loss. Although my father passed, and I miss him terribly, this trip seemed to be about life and growing up.

So often we think that life will last forever and that the ones we love will always be there. This is not the case. We live, we learn, we love and eventually we pass on. Our physical bodies expire. So often in my life I get caught up in everything around me that I forget about what is really going on in life. So often I have been alone on my journey that I forget the importance of meeting those special people along the path. On numerous occasions, I have met people that have opened their hearts to me, showing love an understanding, and in all the instances, i seemed to have pushed them away. I have done this either by not showing my love in return, or ignoring basic needs. I feel this is what happened with Maryann (ex wife)

I thought she was the only one who did not judge me or my family. I feel that after meeting my mother and father, she may have seen a part of me and hoped that I wouldn't turn out like that. I am not sure and also tired of speculation. She could have fallen out of love with me for numerous reasons. As far as speculating, I can no longer live that way. It seems to hurt the self esteem. I think I will journal often as the need arises. It seems to be the only way to express my true feelings. If and when the time is right, I will share my journal with the person or persons i love. I will try to avoid writing about perceptions, rather realities an feelings.

In regards to my fathers death, I am saddened I never got to know my father in the absence of alcohol for a long period of time. I now have to rely on others as well as my mother to enlighten me. I loved my father and will try to remember the great memories of him. I know I haven't grieved enough. I also feel that I have come to an understanding and that understanding is that my father is better off wherever he is.

I can only do so much in my life. I feel that i made (or helped make) a good decision about mom and the business. The thing i feel secure in is knowing that the house is in her name, regardless of the business. I just hope she doesn't fall back to alcohol for the comfort she needs. I think if she got in with the right crowd of people, she could make the right choice. All of this is speculative of course, but all i can do is send out positive intentions for her and hope for the best. My mom is so strong and needs to learn all over again, how she got that way.

31 years of neglect can be undone, it will just take time. In my affirmations to her, I shall wish for a male suiter to take care of her :-) I must remain positive during all of this. I love myself, respect myself and honor the change the the universe offers.

I am here for a reason with that reason not yet unfolded to me yet
I respect myself and all those around me
I become a better person every day

Until next time...