My Mind is Tearing Me Apart

Where do I start? Who gives a fuck. I don't anymore. I truly believe this will be the last time I write in my journal. No more bullshit...this is the real deal.

Fatima is unhappy again. This is exactly where i was 2 years ago. What a familiar ghost. I am beyond help. My mind and the depression has won. I don't know who i am anymore. I tried to be a good person but I don't guess it worked.

I tried to fill my emptiness with a person again. I am thinking about the Jimmy eat world song that just came on, "The Middle" again, I actually believed that shit for a while.
"everything, everything will be just fine"....fucking BULLSHIT. I have failed Fatima and she is leaving me. I don't want to wait around and hurt anyone else. She is a beautiful girl and I wish her the best. She made life of luck to you Fatima

Suicide my friend, is back for good. This time no reqrets, sorry mom, sorry Christina, sorry family, sorry friends. I am done. I can't worry about all this shit anymore.

Fucking chicken shit. Shut up and stop being a pussy and commit to this one thing you non commital prick

Death will be my only peace. I won't have to worry about being a good son, a nice boyfriend, a decent person. I can leave all those pressures behind. Fatima is telling me the same thing Maryann told me exactly 2 years ago there fore I have failed another relationship today.

Never see your children...that is okay because with your fucked up mental problems, your kids would be fucked up and not fit into society...just like you.

Your not right...your one sandwich shy of a picnic basket. Your elevator doesn't go to the top floor. I feel like the worst human being to ever live. Fatima hurt me so bad today with what she said. She said I am different than when we met. I have changed. The same as with Maryann. Everyone else is so perfect. not Chad, he is the one at fault.

All i ever wanted was a nice life. Just wanted to be a good boyfriend, good husband, good father. Looks like that will never happen. I don't want concer. I want to die...alone. Withtout anyone worrying. I used to make people happy, now i am helpless.

I don't understand what i did wrong. Can someone help me out. Maybe I wasnt' supposed to get into another relationship. I hurt someone else Its funny now because it has been a catch 22 If I change to become a wonderful boyfriend, she will think it is temporary. So I will alwyas have to be on my best behaviour. If i ever have a down week or month then I have reverted to my "True Self"

Now if i dont' change then my relationship up to this point has been a lie. I was never the person I professed to be. Can win, cant admit I need help. Dad I know how you felt. Man do i ever. You couldn't come out and the the world you were bisexual because everyone you knew would have said you weren't Buzzy all along but lies. You tried to maintain and let a few people know, but you could never let anyone into your world.

I am going to the store to buy 2 bottles of sleeping pills. I need to find out what will work then i can make and accurate prediction. Fatima basically said the relationship failure was/is a majority of my fault. For 2 different women to tell me that means I am not relationship material. Pretty much in a nutshell.
"time of your life"...Green day "Had the time of your life" I let Fatima down, Maryann down, Darcy Down, Becky down. I let a lot of people down...
Chad BordesComment