Cancer and what it has taught me

My apologies to many of my family and friends as I have not posted in a few weeks. I have been busy with work (which is a good thing) and finally settling into some semblance of a routine. Life has been mysterious to say the least.

So many of you may or may not know about my mothers battle with cancer. Back in 2002 mom was diagnosed with cancer of the mouth (tongue specifically). Through chemo, radiation, good nurtrients, oxygen powder, and the love and devotion of my aunt Christina and Uncle Don, she beat the cancer and was in remission.

All of that changed in February of this year when we noticed she had lost lots of weight and her speech became obstructed. Christina brought her to the doctors office and my mom was poked prodded and had her justice obstructed. After a week, the biopsy confirmed that she had cancer. It was a different cancer than the last time,but cancer none the less. We waited anxiously to find out about the cancer and if it was treatable.

The news we got was devastating and we as family got together and decided what would be the best course of action. My mothers oncologist, Dr. Goldstein, decided to put her on a mild dose of chemo to help, hopefully reduce the pain, and keep the tumor from growing. Pain medication would be given as needed.

For the last 4 months life has changed drastically. I visit the hospital where she stays at least once a day, if not more if i can pull it off. Daily routines are the norm and schedules have to be worked out.

Here are just a few of the things i have learned.

  • Cancer doesn't care if your rich or poor

  • Cancer will never wait on you

  • Cancer hurts everyone Cancer causes depression, not only in the directly affected, but those around. My mood is crap sometimes

  • Cancer doesn't have to fight fair Its hard to sit and watch someone die so painfully

  • It tears apart more than just the person with the disease (per jen marsh) Thanks jen--so true

Update: So I just got home on Monday and mom seemed in good spirits. The occational pain in the mouth but nothing that her RN couldn't fix. Lately it seems that the pain is getting worse and more unbearable. Today, I lost it. My anger overcame me and I lashed out. I am so angry that this disease. I am also pissed and not sure that I believe in the man upstairs anymore...I have lost my faith. I know lots of people will be shocked or outraged by this, but

  1. Why would God or the almighty allow this to happen to such a sweet woman. She has never done anything to deserve this fate.

  2. What is the purpose of such pain. She doesn't deserve this. I sit there and realize there is NOTHING I can do but watch her die

  3. Hope is a losing battle when when you don't see progress. Everyone tells me Hope is all you have but to me, hope is a long hair that I am holding on to one side, trying to lift up an elephant on the other side

My wish for my mother is this. I wish she could go peacefully to that other place. It makes no sense to keep her holding on while she is in such pain. I know we only have one life, but the truth is I hate seeing her this way. She deserves better than this.

I found out my numbers from a Numerology site yesterday. I have to say that most of it was dead on. The part that I am stuck on is I am a "healer" and look how well that worked out for my father and now my mother. The more I live the more I realize how random this whole existence is. In the movie I saw last night, Thomas Hayden church had a great line: "The two things we need in this life are sunlight and people"

I apologize for my rants, but I am very logical and can't figure all this business out. My friend Robert once told me in his office, the more I learn, the less i know. This has never been more apparent than at this time in my life. Thank you all for your support and love. I truly appreciate you reading my blog. I wish i could cure her but I don't feel that is in the cards.

Until next time...