When she left...

Mom and I in 1989

So many of you may or may not be aware that my mom, Agneta Bordes, passed this friday. I was in San Diego and I got the call from my aunt saying that mom didn't look good and I needed to get home soon.

I felt it like a wave of fire over my entire body and knew that today was the day that my mom would give up her spirit. The traffic gods were with me as I made it to Topanga Terrace in under 2 hours. As I parked, my mind raced with what to expect.

Upon entering her room, the curtains were drawn and dawn and christina were sitting peacefully by her side. My mother looked so frail and her breathing was shallow. Christina changed places with me and I took my moms hand. Christina announced to mom that I was here as I took her hand.  Her once loving and embracing hand now sat relatively lifeless. 

Not really comprehending that my mom was going to be leaving, I held her hand, leaned in and kissed her, and told her I loved her.  I saw her chest expand ever so slightly and the last inspiration of air, and then all of a sudden, it stopped.

The nurses came in and took her pulse and confirmed the time of death at 4:15 pm.  I released her hand and got up and hugged my aunt Christina and my uncle Don and I wept.

I was sad for a myriad of reasons, but the main one was that the woman who gave me life and cared for me when I was sick and been the voice on the other end of the phone as I went through a terrible time in my life (my divorce), would no longer be there in person, but only in spirit.

It hasn't fully hit me, just as my dads passing in 2000 didn't hit me until months even years later.  I know I will have a massive outpouring of sorrow and grief. As I write this, I well up with tears and know that its okay and everything will be alright.

I miss her immensely at times, but I also know she is someplace better in spirit. She is able to roam and be and not have the pain that encumbered her for many months her on earth for her last days.  I am also blessed that I was able to be by her side during the end and that is a memory that will both heal as well as haunt me.

I say this to those that read my blog. Its never too late to make ammends.  Its never too late to open a door you once thought closed.  Every day is a gift, not a right.  Make right the wrongs where you can.  Enjoy every moment you have with the ones you love (as well as the ones your not sure you love). 

There are no guarantees and life was never promised fair. What I can tell you is every moment is a gift if you choose it as such, so go out there and do good, show love and be that love that you desire to see.

I love you all and appreciate your continued support of my writing.

Until next time...